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Another retrospective….

My word you’re made of strong stuff! You’ve come back to read more about my scintillating year? Well, I don’t blame you. There’s bugger all on the telly and it’s too bloody windy to go for a walk…

So, where were we?

April-July: things were trundling along nicely, I ate my body weight in chocolate having discovered the joys of Hotel Chocolat on a shopping trip with a friend. I indulged the family with eye-wateringly expensive Easter eggs from said chocolatier – I might as well have gone to the pound shop for all the notice they took – Philistines!

Work was going really well, I don’t think I’d ever loved a job as much. There was a meeting in May where the head stated that the school was in a terrible financial situation and jobs might have to go. I wasn’t unduly worried, I mean I’d only been in the job 6 months,yes, but there was no one else to do the work I did, I was crazy busy all the time and obviously they wouldn’t have taken me on if they knew…yada, yada, yada….I almost convinced myself until the slimy-looking incompetent who’d let the place get into such a situation came into my office with a letter and “heartfelt” apologies. That was at 11am. By 2pm I was in a meeting with the slimy-looking incompetent who was telling me it was a fait accompli. I was being binned on 31 Dec and there was nothing I could do about it. I resisted the urge to karate chop him in his ridiculously protruding Adam’s Apple or to knock his ugly head off his idiotically long neck and behaved with dignity and decorum for once in my life. But inside I was a weeping, wailing mess. I wanted to lay on the floor in the foetal position and have someone stroke my hair. But I smiled and carried on because that’s what you do isn’t it. You get punched in the stomach and for good measure someone grabs your heart and has a kick about with it but you carry on…..don’t you?


A retrospective to bore you rigid!

As I am confined to my sickbed (sad face) with a bout of pleurisy that has wrecked my Christmas, I thought it would be nice to have a look back at my year….indulge me, I’m bedridden here!

January-March: These months were mostly taken up with my annual traipse to a slimming club. Sxxxxxing Wxxxd was the club of choice this year. I found the format and the leader to be toe-curlingly hideous – sitting in a circle applauding someone for losing half a pound or commiserating (and applauding, strangely) a poor sinner who had succumbed to a roast potato was definitely not for me. I did, however, find solace every week listening to people’s hilarious attempts to make faux fast food -ie: pizza and KFC – using dried potato granules! Yep, Smash is king in the land of the slimmer, and you really haven’t lived until you’ve tried a pizza with a Smash base – and it is every bit as vomit inducing as it sounds!! I did lose a stone though…but the pizza/smash combo had nothing to do with it!

Work was going well, I’d settled into my new job and even though I only started in October I felt a part of the team and absolutely loved it. I was working in a school, my dream job with hours to die for. I couldn’t have asked for anything more on the job front.

Home life rumbled along, as it does…Child continually testing my patience as the testosterone worked it’s magic – seeing the smug grin on my mum’s face as she sees payback in all it’s glory is slightly disconcerting! Although it’s not all bad, sometimes his real persona makes its way through the swamp of puberty and he is a joy to have around, my funny, handsome, kind little man who I love unconditionally despite the testing teenage strops!! He has settled into “big school” now and is doing really well. We are trying to cope with husband being away for 4 weeks and home for 2 but I don’t think we will ever get used to or enjoy it, it’s just something we have to endure and it’s not a natural state of affairs – I defy anyone to enjoy having their parter away for such a stretch or indeed enjoy having them home 24/7 for a fortnight!

We booked our summer holiday in January, 2 weeks in July ( I couldn’t go in term time with my new job) to Riviera Maya, Mexico, of course, we tried to resist the pull but just couldn’t do it! We even decided to go back to the same hotel because we enjoyed it so much last year, I was a little wary of doing this but lost out to the majority – we are a very democratic family! At least the thought of the beautiful beaches and warm Caribbean Sea helped to make winter a little more bearable for SAD old me!

More to follow, I’m ill y’know…..

Supermarket Weep

Doing my weekly shop at the supermarket is never going to make it into my Top Ten Cool Things To Do on a Sunday list.

Oh no, it’s up there on my God I Really Hate Having To Do This list – along with cleaning my car and breathing the same air as Katie Price.

It’s never pleasant but today’s experience surpassed the usual humdrum drudgery.

I thought I’d liven up my life a little, live in the fast lane y’know, so I opted to go to Morrisons instead of Tescos – wake up reader, it gets better I promise.

I got all my usual gubbins, did my usual trick of picking up six ready meals before suffering Mother’s Guilt and putting them back and buying vegetables instead, laughed at the label declaring

    Buy 2 for £1.50!! Usual Price 70p

As I reached the checkout I had a little frisson of excitement when I realised there was no queue (yes, I know I should get a life, I’m working on it ok?) but my soul plummeted when I saw the mass of seething resentment and apathy sat glaring at me from the till.

“Are you open?” I asked in a friendly voice with a smile.

“Yeh” replied the Checkout Girl of the Year with so much malice you’d have thought I’d insulted her mother or kicked her cat – or vice versa.

I loaded my goods onto the belt while Atilla the Glum sat and filed her nails (yes,really).

Did she start sending my items through and [gasp] pack them whilst I was still loading them on? Did she ask me if I’d like any help? Did she buggery. The lazy little witch was determined that every single item was going to be on that belt before a single manicured finger of hers was going to pick up and start doing what she is paid to do.

She then proceeded to sling the items at me with more speed than her slovenly demeanour looked capable of. Just one problem, no bags….

I politely asked for some carrier bags and she threw two at me, even though she’d just watched me load a full trolley onto the belt.

Do the supermarkets send their checkout operators on a Greenpeace training course? Because I swear nowadays they think they are the guardians of our planet and polar bears the world over are going to tell their cubs all about how this trusty band saved them from global warming.

“I’ll need more than that,” said I through gritted teeth whereupon Damienne insolently threw about 15 more at me.

Obviously she didn’t ask if I wanted help to pack – not that I wanted her to, she looked the kind of slattern who would put tins in the same bag as bread rolls. She also tutted when I was trying to find the right card to pay with. Being the mother of a pre-teen boy, I don’t even have to leave the house to get that kind of treatment, let alone have to pay for the privilege!

Yes, I handed over £86.20 to her employers, which I would rather have spent on shoes, who will then pay her. For what? Hating her job? For being rude and disrespectful?

Why do we put up with this? It’s ridiculous but we do! Rather than cause a fuss we gamely go against all of our instincts and keep that upper lip stiff. We are a nation of enablers, we enable these snotty teenage no marks to treat us with scorn because they think they are worth more than a job on a supermarket checkout! If you don’t like it, luv, either don’t bloody do it or pretend to like it as the rest of do day in day out. It’s called life!

So I walked away seething quietly – at least I resisted the urge to send her to her room!

Another One Bites The Dust

And another one’s gone, and another one’s gone…….

What am I talking about?


Today I kissed goodbye to 47 and 50 now seems to be hurtling towards me faster than a WAG at a handbag sale..

How do I feel about it? Well I’m not dancing in the aisles but I don’t feel too bad.

Today has confirmed to me how lucky I am. I have my health (most of the time), yes I’m a bit chunkier as the years go by but I still scrub up alright – I like to think I’d make it into the snog or marry rather than the avoid category – and I am relatively wrinkle-free thanks to my Grandma’s fantastic genes!

But what I realised today is that I have the most amazing family and friends around me, I really do.

It’s not about the presents I received although they were beyond fab; the most important thing is all of the wishes and love I’ve received today in cards, calls, messages and texts which have combined to make a metaphorical big fluffy jumper which wraps around me making me feel safe and warm.

One advantage of getting older is the wisdom that comes with it and I know now more than ever that you can have all the money in the world but without love you are as poor as a church mouse.

Blimey, that Tia Maria coffee must have gone to my head, I’m sounding almost sentimental!

Don’t worry, I’ll be back to the cynical old hag you’re used to by sunrise.

Oh, and here’s a “selfie” for you to laugh at, seeing as though its my birthday!



We are family…

Been out for a lovely Indian meal tonight with two of my sisters – BlondieBee and FunnyBee – and two of their lovely children, my niece – ImpossiblyGorgeousBee and my nephew AmazinglyAwesomeBee (yes, I am a very proud Aunty!)

We don’t get together as often as we should but when we do I always have the best time. They are without doubt my best friends and I feel blessed to have them.

But this wasn’t always the case though, oh no, I spent a large part of my childhood hating the very air that they breathed. Mornings usually started with a fist fight and a few death threats with a break for school and then our mutual loathing could carry on until we were sent to bed by frazzled parents who’d seen enough hair-pulling and scratching for that day.

We are very close in age with only three years separating the three of us so teenage years were particularly interesting with three pubescent girls fighting over clothes, boys or anything else that came to mind!

Our little sister BabyBee is nine years younger than me so she was spared the violence and hatred but surprisingly I’m not as close to her – maybe if I’d beaten her up a bit more we’d have a better relationship as adults??

I don’t know if its the same with your family but mine can insult me and take the mick all night long and I still leave with a smile on my face -as was the case tonight….

I forced myself to go tonight even though I’m really not well( been back to see the doc today and the chest infection is actually pneumonia) because my niece is home from Uni and I didn’t want to cancel because we haven’t seen each other much lately (bloody life, it always gets in the way doesn’t it?)

Did I get any sympathy? Did I buggery!! FunnyBee is the worst, she works in the medical profession but has absolutely no truck with illness. If you ever have to rely on her for sympathy you’d better hope to Christ you’ve got at least 3 limbs missing or else she’ll just roll her eyes and tut at you. BlondieBee is a little more sympathetic until she gangs up with Funny then she’s just as bad!!

I had a particularly bad coughing fit thanks to FunnyBee, she was telling a story about how she feared she was going to be gang-raped by a trio of senior citizens which made me laugh (then cough) so hard I thought I was going to collapse or wee myself or both.

At the end of the meal, the pair of them then proceeded to rip the piss out of me because I asked for a doggy bag and started gathering up stray grains of rice from the table and asking if I wanted to take them home with me – our sense of humour hasn’t changed much in the last 30 years or so!

Talk then turned to this blog which they found absolutely hilarious – not the blog, just the fact I’m writing one. I mean how can their big sister possibly have anything remotely interesting to say??

I bet my niece is so glad she’s an only child!!

Well, if they can ever be arsed to look it up, which I doubt they will (BlondieBee is such a technophobe she thinks Facebook is something you do if you stand in a library and FunnyBee is far too busy saving lives whilst tutting and rolling her eyes at poor unfortunates) they might just see another side of me and might even be a little bit proud but I don’t think that’ll happen – they are only my blood after all!

I do love you both really though, honest!!

Update on my life…

We are no longer “three”, oh no, since September we  are now “four”.

No, I haven’t spawned another devil child, we have a dog!

Yes, I caved in one day and decided that child’s life would be ruined and he would be a Jeremy Kyle certainty if he didn’t get a dog. I think it was the guilt of having only one child that got to me and I didn’t fancy getting even fatter so, off we went to the breeder – we told child that we were going for lunch with nana and grandad, and then hit him with it “there you are, you’re getting a puppy”.

Gobsmacked wasn’t the word but he was v v happy and we took home the little bundle of joy after parting with £800 because he is a designer dog – a pugador (mongrel) yes, I know there is no fool like an old fool.

So my posts will now mention dog quite a lot. I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with it, sorry, him. He loves me and I hat….no, that’s maybe a bit harsh but he’s certainly put me through the wringer these last 10 months. I’d have been better off having a sprog I think but at least my pelvic floor is holding up better this way.

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