Category Archives: humour
Now, I know you are being ripped a new arsehole by your competitors at the moment and probably don’t have time to listen to a mere customer. But, as one of the remaining foolhardy few, may I be so bold as to make a suggestion? Sort your sodding carrier bags out!!!
The current batch you are using aren’t fit to be called useless. What are they made from? Fairy wings? Baby hair? Unicorn eyelashes? All I know is that if I put in anything heavier than a cotton wool ball they disintegrate faster than Prince Andrew’s reputation. At this rate I’m going to need a human chain to get my shopping from the trolley into my car boot.
Yes, I know you provide reusable bags but I have about 84 in my kitchen drawer which I never remember to reuse and, to be quite honest, rocking up with a haul of garishly illustrated carriers makes me feel like my grandma.
Up until now I’ve resisted the allure of Lidl and Aldi despite glowing recommendations from just about everyone I know (partly because of their carrier bag situation but mainly because I am a massive snob), but you’re losing me Tesco, I’m ready to leave you in disgust after yet another futile attempt to get my goods from the car to the kitchen without leaving a trail of my shopping at the mercy of the neighbourhood cats.
This is your last warning…….
July-December: July came and brought me pneumonia! I didn’t just inherit my Grandma’s cheekbones and youthful looking skin, I got her bloody chronically weak chest too (hidden behind a fantastic pair of bazoomas even if I do say so myself!) but I soldiered on heroically, I then got the letter confirming I was surplus to requirements (it actually said that in writing!)the day before I went away on holiday, talk about a kick in the teeth from the lizard-faced incompetent with the freakish neck.
So off we went to Mexico and I tried to put it to the back of my mind. The beautiful Mexican sun as well as time with my two beloved men warmed my soul and healed my chest. The country and people were as wonderful and beautiful as ever and I tried my hardest to be positive I really did but I could feel it looming, that menacing dragon was gathering her strength and feeding on the pain I was trying desperately to hide.
We came back from Mexico and the depression hit me like a spade in the face. I literally felt like one of those cartoon characters you see with all of the stuffing knocked out of them and it took every ounce of my strength to fight it, but fight it I did – it was either that or end up in a mental ward wearing clashing patterns and letting my hair go grey, soooo not my style dahling!
So, I jumpedon the “searching for a job”train. I was very lucky, I got an interview for the first job I applied for. It was almost exactly what I was already doing and looked to be tailor made for me! Except the person who wrote the job description must have been at the sherry…
I arrived for the interview nervous but quietly confident. Pleasantries were exchanged etc then followed the most excruciating, arse-clenchingly awful 30 minutes of my life. It became very clear, very quickly that the job description had no bearing at all on the actual job and I sat like a rabbit in the headlights trying to answer questions that might as well have been asked in Korean for the sense they made. I should have stopped it there and then. I should have had the balls to say that there had been a mistake but no, the misery continued with me wanting to ram my whole fist into my mouth rather than spout any more of the drivel I was coming out with!! Needless to say, I didn’t get the job – I wouldn’t have taken it if they’d offered it – there’s no way I’d work for an organisation who’d employ the babbling idiot I’d presented myself as!
I managed to get over the crippling shame and embarrassment with the help of my lovely friend DerekBee who set about sending me voice messages of hugely inappropriate answers to interview questions, which we both found hilarious (you had to be there I suppose).
It’s now nearly the end of the year and my humongous chest has let me down again. Pleurisy this time which ended up with a Boxing Day visit to A&E begging an Eastern European doctor for strong drugs! So Christmas was a little subdued to say the least but it’s still been nice – if you like that sort of thing. I’m not a Christmas fan, never have been. In fact when I was single and lived alone I steadfastly ignored it! Now I have my family it’s not really acceptable to do that and I tried making a fist of it when Child was younger and still try my best to be festive and hide my Grinchyness!
Hmmm, that’s about it really, not desperately exciting, definite highs and lows. Thank you very much for reading my blog this year – it’s really nice to be indulged! I’ve loved writing it and if I wasn’t such a lazy cow I would have written more often. I could make it my New Year’s resolution to do so but I’m not big on those either!
So, adios 2013, I’ve had better years but I’ve also had worse; come on then 2014 let’s see what you’re made of…..Now, where did I put that Weightwatchers leaflet?….
My word you’re made of strong stuff! You’ve come back to read more about my scintillating year? Well, I don’t blame you. There’s bugger all on the telly and it’s too bloody windy to go for a walk…
So, where were we?
April-July: things were trundling along nicely, I ate my body weight in chocolate having discovered the joys of Hotel Chocolat on a shopping trip with a friend. I indulged the family with eye-wateringly expensive Easter eggs from said chocolatier – I might as well have gone to the pound shop for all the notice they took – Philistines!
Work was going really well, I don’t think I’d ever loved a job as much. There was a meeting in May where the head stated that the school was in a terrible financial situation and jobs might have to go. I wasn’t unduly worried, I mean I’d only been in the job 6 months,yes, but there was no one else to do the work I did, I was crazy busy all the time and obviously they wouldn’t have taken me on if they knew…yada, yada, yada….I almost convinced myself until the slimy-looking incompetent who’d let the place get into such a situation came into my office with a letter and “heartfelt” apologies. That was at 11am. By 2pm I was in a meeting with the slimy-looking incompetent who was telling me it was a fait accompli. I was being binned on 31 Dec and there was nothing I could do about it. I resisted the urge to karate chop him in his ridiculously protruding Adam’s Apple or to knock his ugly head off his idiotically long neck and behaved with dignity and decorum for once in my life. But inside I was a weeping, wailing mess. I wanted to lay on the floor in the foetal position and have someone stroke my hair. But I smiled and carried on because that’s what you do isn’t it. You get punched in the stomach and for good measure someone grabs your heart and has a kick about with it but you carry on…..don’t you?
As I am confined to my sickbed (sad face) with a bout of pleurisy that has wrecked my Christmas, I thought it would be nice to have a look back at my year….indulge me, I’m bedridden here!
January-March: These months were mostly taken up with my annual traipse to a slimming club. Sxxxxxing Wxxxd was the club of choice this year. I found the format and the leader to be toe-curlingly hideous – sitting in a circle applauding someone for losing half a pound or commiserating (and applauding, strangely) a poor sinner who had succumbed to a roast potato was definitely not for me. I did, however, find solace every week listening to people’s hilarious attempts to make faux fast food -ie: pizza and KFC – using dried potato granules! Yep, Smash is king in the land of the slimmer, and you really haven’t lived until you’ve tried a pizza with a Smash base – and it is every bit as vomit inducing as it sounds!! I did lose a stone though…but the pizza/smash combo had nothing to do with it!
Work was going well, I’d settled into my new job and even though I only started in October I felt a part of the team and absolutely loved it. I was working in a school, my dream job with hours to die for. I couldn’t have asked for anything more on the job front.
Home life rumbled along, as it does…Child continually testing my patience as the testosterone worked it’s magic – seeing the smug grin on my mum’s face as she sees payback in all it’s glory is slightly disconcerting! Although it’s not all bad, sometimes his real persona makes its way through the swamp of puberty and he is a joy to have around, my funny, handsome, kind little man who I love unconditionally despite the testing teenage strops!! He has settled into “big school” now and is doing really well. We are trying to cope with husband being away for 4 weeks and home for 2 but I don’t think we will ever get used to or enjoy it, it’s just something we have to endure and it’s not a natural state of affairs – I defy anyone to enjoy having their parter away for such a stretch or indeed enjoy having them home 24/7 for a fortnight!
We booked our summer holiday in January, 2 weeks in July ( I couldn’t go in term time with my new job) to Riviera Maya, Mexico, of course, we tried to resist the pull but just couldn’t do it! We even decided to go back to the same hotel because we enjoyed it so much last year, I was a little wary of doing this but lost out to the majority – we are a very democratic family! At least the thought of the beautiful beaches and warm Caribbean Sea helped to make winter a little more bearable for SAD old me!
More to follow, I’m ill y’know…..
So, there I was headed for my interview, walking thru Tescos in Beverley in my best interview wear looking every inch the professional go-getter. That was until my foot caught the mat in the entrance and I spectacularly fell full length in the style of a rugby player scoring a try. I scraped both my hands and knees and, oh the shame, my bloody chin. Thankfully I didn’t rip my tights to complete the look. This was 15 mins before my interview! But I managed to fob off about 16 first aiders who were desperate to practice their skills and the store manager who was desperate to avoid litigation and was somehow able to make it on time – albeit battered and bruised and desperately embarrassed. But the angels must have enjoyed the show because -I GOT THE JOB!!
Insomnia is a bitch. Strangely, the new irritant in town seems to affect most of my female friends yet its not something I’ve ever heard the men in my life complain of.
It is now 03:59 and I have not been to sleep yet. Husband, Child and Dog (all males) are slumbering noisily – the cacophony of their snoring is strangely comforting to me.
I am wide awake but so tired I feel physically sick, my neck is aching, my eyes are stinging and my body is crying out for sleep yet sleep is eluding me.
It’s a horrible state to be in, it’s not like those times where you want to be awake all night so you don’t miss a single second of the experience you’re having – such as those long-ago nights of passion with no sleep and going to work deliciously tired but inexplicably able to function.
I have spent the last 3 hours worrying about the state I will be in tomorrow. Friday will basically be a write-off, I will have about as much energy as a saggy old cloth cat and will be rendered incapable of anything other than basic mum/wife/dog mum stuff.
Husband, Child and Dog will be refreshed and rowdy in about 6 hours time. I will be a shouty, irritable harridan, dampening their day before it even starts.
This blog entry is rubbish I know, rambling and badly written but writing is the last vessel in my arsenal, I’m hoping I will bore myself to sleep. Sorry if I’ve bored you too, I promise to be at my sparkly best the next time you pop over here!
Hope you all had a fabulous weekend and are full of beans for the week ahead!
Monday morning blues?
Oh diddums, fear not though because Beebee is here to save the day!
Here are some photos I took in the main restaurant on our recent holiday which made me chuckle:
This should actually say Hunter’s Pork!
These mushrooms were sautéed not attacked!
I think he looks quite good for his age!!
Hmmm, won’t bother thanks!
I also came across “Bad Garlic” and “Chicken in Your Sauce”!
I think the translator suffered from Google syndrome!!
Just a little follow on from my Supermarket Weep.
It don’t know how but someone from said supermarket must have read my blog because their Head Office got in touch with me!
The upshot is they are sending me a voucher to make up for the appalling service!
I always said my writing would make me money one day!
Doing my weekly shop at the supermarket is never going to make it into my Top Ten Cool Things To Do on a Sunday list.
Oh no, it’s up there on my God I Really Hate Having To Do This list – along with cleaning my car and breathing the same air as Katie Price.
It’s never pleasant but today’s experience surpassed the usual humdrum drudgery.
I thought I’d liven up my life a little, live in the fast lane y’know, so I opted to go to Morrisons instead of Tescos – wake up reader, it gets better I promise.
I got all my usual gubbins, did my usual trick of picking up six ready meals before suffering Mother’s Guilt and putting them back and buying vegetables instead, laughed at the label declaring
- Buy 2 for £1.50!! Usual Price 70p
As I reached the checkout I had a little frisson of excitement when I realised there was no queue (yes, I know I should get a life, I’m working on it ok?) but my soul plummeted when I saw the mass of seething resentment and apathy sat glaring at me from the till.
“Are you open?” I asked in a friendly voice with a smile.
“Yeh” replied the Checkout Girl of the Year with so much malice you’d have thought I’d insulted her mother or kicked her cat – or vice versa.
I loaded my goods onto the belt while Atilla the Glum sat and filed her nails (yes,really).
Did she start sending my items through and [gasp] pack them whilst I was still loading them on? Did she ask me if I’d like any help? Did she buggery. The lazy little witch was determined that every single item was going to be on that belt before a single manicured finger of hers was going to pick up and start doing what she is paid to do.
She then proceeded to sling the items at me with more speed than her slovenly demeanour looked capable of. Just one problem, no bags….
I politely asked for some carrier bags and she threw two at me, even though she’d just watched me load a full trolley onto the belt.
Do the supermarkets send their checkout operators on a Greenpeace training course? Because I swear nowadays they think they are the guardians of our planet and polar bears the world over are going to tell their cubs all about how this trusty band saved them from global warming.
“I’ll need more than that,” said I through gritted teeth whereupon Damienne insolently threw about 15 more at me.
Obviously she didn’t ask if I wanted help to pack – not that I wanted her to, she looked the kind of slattern who would put tins in the same bag as bread rolls. She also tutted when I was trying to find the right card to pay with. Being the mother of a pre-teen boy, I don’t even have to leave the house to get that kind of treatment, let alone have to pay for the privilege!
Yes, I handed over £86.20 to her employers, which I would rather have spent on shoes, who will then pay her. For what? Hating her job? For being rude and disrespectful?
Why do we put up with this? It’s ridiculous but we do! Rather than cause a fuss we gamely go against all of our instincts and keep that upper lip stiff. We are a nation of enablers, we enable these snotty teenage no marks to treat us with scorn because they think they are worth more than a job on a supermarket checkout! If you don’t like it, luv, either don’t bloody do it or pretend to like it as the rest of do day in day out. It’s called life!
So I walked away seething quietly – at least I resisted the urge to send her to her room!
And another one’s gone, and another one’s gone…….
What am I talking about?
Today I kissed goodbye to 47 and 50 now seems to be hurtling towards me faster than a WAG at a handbag sale..
How do I feel about it? Well I’m not dancing in the aisles but I don’t feel too bad.
Today has confirmed to me how lucky I am. I have my health (most of the time), yes I’m a bit chunkier as the years go by but I still scrub up alright – I like to think I’d make it into the snog or marry rather than the avoid category – and I am relatively wrinkle-free thanks to my Grandma’s fantastic genes!
But what I realised today is that I have the most amazing family and friends around me, I really do.
It’s not about the presents I received although they were beyond fab; the most important thing is all of the wishes and love I’ve received today in cards, calls, messages and texts which have combined to make a metaphorical big fluffy jumper which wraps around me making me feel safe and warm.
One advantage of getting older is the wisdom that comes with it and I know now more than ever that you can have all the money in the world but without love you are as poor as a church mouse.
Blimey, that Tia Maria coffee must have gone to my head, I’m sounding almost sentimental!
Don’t worry, I’ll be back to the cynical old hag you’re used to by sunrise.
Oh, and here’s a “selfie” for you to laugh at, seeing as though its my birthday!