A pleasant walk in the country…….or was it?
Well it started off alright, I decided I would take dog for a nice walk in the countryside – even though he “playfully” bit my nose last night. Child was too bloody lazy to do it and seeing as though he had a friend round, resorting to violence or swearing would sully my reputation as an Earth Mother (in my dreams). The walk would also contribute to shaving the 36 inches or so from my thighs before my holiday in 4 weeks time, thought I.
So, off we went, woman and dog in perfect harmony in this green and pleasant land. The walk was pleasant enough but how humid is it today? By the time we were heading back we were both panting with our tongues hanging out, looking forward to a refreshing cold drink.
But, oh no, that would be far too easy. We arrived back home only to find that child had buggered off somewhere with said mate and LOCKED THE BLOODY DOOR!!
“Thank God for modern technology,” thought I, as I fished out my phone from my bra (it’s great having massive boobs for many reasons but the main advantage is the huge amount you can pack into your bra, including my bunch of keys which of course I didn’t need to take with me today…).
But of course he didn’t answer. The child who is permanently glued to his mobile to reply to his never ending harem of “girlfriends” call had decided to ignore me.
So, after 6 (unanswered) calls and a threatening text, his lordship finally deigned to contact me.
I ordered him home in a voice that would have made Ghengis Khan shit himself in fear.
But Child is made of stronger stuff than that Mongol nancy. He didn’t rush home, leaving dog and I desperately turning into vac-pacs before each other’s eyes. I was so desperate I even wondered if it would be considered unseemly for a 40-something mother to squat down on the drive and urinate into a plant pot a la Bear Grylls….
Luckily for my neighbours, Child arrived back just in time.